Sonic The Hedgehog Gets Detention
by Shadow's Bodyguard
Summary: ...And other dangerously stupid stories that no one needs and/or wants.
1. Sonic The Hedgehog Gets Detention

**Don't ask why. Just read. Gosh.**

It was a normal high school day for Sonic and his friends. Or was it? No, it was. Shut up.

"Ok class, can anyone tell me why Sonic The Hedgehog must DIE?" The teacher, who was Zavok, asked his class.

Everyone, excluding Sonic, raised their hands.

"Yes, Shadow?"

"Because he is an annoying little prick?" Shadow answered. Sonic rolled his eyes at the ebony hedgehog.

"Correct! You get an 'A' for the semester!" Zavok praised him. "Does anyone else want to answer?"

Amy raised her hand.

"Amy?"

"Because he is the cutest boy in the entire school?" She answered.

Zavok gave her a death glare.

"That is incorrect, Ms. Rose! Just for that obnoxious, inappropriate answer, you will repeat the 9th grade next year." Zavok said, writing Amy's name on the retained list on the chalkboard.

Amy started to sob like a baby who lost its pacifier. Big, who was sitting behind her, tried to comfort his friend.

"Duh, cheer up, Amy. I'm gonna be retained in 9th grade for 3 years! You'll get used to it."

"Big! Talking in my class?! You are getting retained for an additional year!" Zavok said, adding a check next to Big's name on the retained list.

"But- but why?" The fat cat stuttered.

"For starters, you can't even write your own name. You should not have passed preschool with your low level of education." Zavok told him, narrowing his eyes at the cat.

Silver the hedgehog raised his hand.

"What is it, talking marijuana plant?"

"Can I go to lunch early today? If I don't, Shadow stalks me in the halls and tries to burn me with his flamethrower." Silver said, looking back at Shadow who was smirking.

"NO! Everyone goes to lunch at the same time in this bitch! Anyway, when I call your name, you have detention and you must stay here until the bell rings."

"What if we get hungry while we're in detention?" Blaze asked.

"Well shit, You damn kids are going home, aren't you? Go beg your parents for their foodstamp card." Zavok told her.

"Uh, what's foodstamps?"

"Shut up! Anyways when I call your name, you have detention: Sonic The Prick-"

"Excuse me,but can you please tell me what I did today in order to serve detention?" Sonic asked, getting annoyed.

"You were born. Anywho, that concludes the detention list. The rest of you are free to go. It's best that you say your final goodbyes to Sonic on your way out, he won't be alive when you see him again."

The people who did not have detention, which was everyone excluding Sonic, scurried out of the class quickly. Mostly because they wanted to keep their souls.

As soon as the last person exited the room, Zavok smiled evilly and locked the classroom door.

"Now, Sonic. Let's have some fun, shall we?" He said, tying Sonic to his chair.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO ME?!" Sonic gasped.

"Calm the hell down! You say that like I'm about to rape your ass or something!" Zavok exclaimed, typing something on his computer, and turning the display board on so that Sonic could see too.

As soon as Sonic saw it, his eyes widened.

"No...NO PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Sonic shouted, trying to break free of the ropes.

Showing on the screen was an episode of that retarded ass Nickelodeon show called Rabbids, or whatever.

"MAKE THEM GO AWAY! MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Sonic screamed repeatedly, until Zavok came over and taped his mouth shut.

"Shut the hell up! This is what you get for making Sonic 2006!" Zavok shouted at him, turning the volume up on the board at 100.

"BWAAHH!" The board played at its highest sound setting.

"Sonic 2006 wasn't my fault, man! I had a script! I HAD A SCRIPT!" Sonic wailed.

"I don't care. I'm going to lunch. Have a good time watching that episode on loop." Zavok told him, exiting the room.

"WAIT! NO! I'M STILL TIED UP!" Sonic shouted. "I'M PRETTY SURE MY I.Q WILL GO DOWN A FEW POINTS FROM WATCHING THIS! Oh, who am I kidding? Sonic 06' was bad." Sonic said, finally giving in to watching the program that was playing playing before him.


	2. Sonic The Hedgehog Fails A Spelling Test

**Seriously? Dude, I'm just a bored chick on Summer vacation :/ **

**Sonic The Hedgehog Fails A Spelling Test**

"What in the hell is wrong with you damn kids?!" Zavok yelled at the class.

"What do you mean?" Tails asked.

"Yeah! What do you mean?" Amy asked.

"None of you idiots can spell for shit, that's what I mean!" Zavok answered, punching a wall.

"PSH! BITCH, PLEASE! WE CAN SPELL!" The class said all together.

"Very well, then. Blaze, spell 'cat'."

"Uh, K-a-t?" Blaze responded.

"NO! Silver, spell 'Marijuana'!"

"Um, m-i-r-i-w-a-n-a?" Silver spelled.

"ARE YOU KIDDING?! EVERYONE, SPELL 'Anthropomorphic'!" Zavok shouted to the entire class.

"A-n-t-h-r-o-w-"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! SINCE NONE OF YOU DUMB ASS KIDS CAN SPELL CORRECTLY, WE'RE HAVING A SPELLING TEST! EVERYONE, TAKE OUT A SHEET OF PAPER!"

The class groaned, and got a piece of paper from under their desks.

"Number 1: Ball." Zavok said slowly.

"Can you use that word in a sentence?" Scourge asked.

Zavok growled to himself.

"The child caught the ball." He said, facepalming.

"Wait a minute! Say it slower!"

"The...DAMN...child...caught...the...DAMN...ball."

"K. Thanks."

Zavok decided to have a seat at his desk, due to him being very close to slapping the mess out of everyone in the class.

"Does everyone have number one?" He asked the class.

"I don't get this." Shadow said. "When you were explaining that sentence to Scourge, which one of those words did you want us to spell again? Was it Damn?"

It took every ounce of willpower that Zavok had to not slap Shadow upside the head for asking that question.

"You know what? Exchange papers to grade them. We've been on this word for 20 minutes now! If you didn't know what word to spell, TOO BAD. Make sure you don't have your own paper, also." Zavok said.

"Mr. Zavok, Sonic doesn't want to give me his paper!" Cream complained.

"I'm not done yet!" Sonic said, writing furiously.

Zavok walked up to Sonic's desk and snatched the paper from the hedgehog.

"Is this a goddamn joke?!" Zavok growled, showing everyone in the class Sonic's paper.

As soon as they saw it, they screamed with laughter.

On the paper, Sonic drew a picture of a very detailed- looking red ball instead of writing the word 'ball'.

"Raise your hand if you AT LEAST wrote WORDS on your paper!"

Everyone, excluding Sonic, raised their hands.

"All of you get a $500 voucher certificate to use at GameStop for not being stupid as Sonic. But as for you, Sonic, I'm going to let Zomnom eat you!" Zavok told him.

"HOORAY!" The class cheered as Zomnom came from no where, and swallowed Sonic whole.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED SONIC!" Tails exclaimed, shocked.

"YOU FAT BASTARD!" Knuckles shouted, pointing his finger at Zomnom.

"Eh. Screw you guys, I'm going home to get my paycheck that's in the mail. Class dismissed." Zavok said, walking out of the classroom.

**It's not good to be bored on Summer Vacation, guys. This fic proves it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, my mom just brought pizza home, so...Lets get this train going.**

**Chapter 3: Sonic didn't have his book for class today**

It was an average Monday morning for Sonic and his friends at school.

"Ok everyone, over the weekend, I gave you all books titled, 'How To Be A Moron: For Dummies' and now, I want them back. I expect a book from each and every one of you or I'm going to barbecue your corpse." Zavok said, going down the rows to collect the books.

_"Shit! I don't have mine! And I was planning on staying alive for at least this chapter!" _Sonic thought as Zavok was getting closer and closer to his row.

"Shadow? Where is my book that I lended you last weekend?" Zavok asked him.

"At home." Shadow replied.

"What's it doing at home?!" Zavok asked him, getting irritated by Shadow's non-caring attitude.

"Having a better time than I am here at school."

"Huh. Touche."

Zavok continued to get closer and closer to Sonic's row, until Amy's phone went off, playing 'All Hail Shadow' by Crush 40. Zavok gave her a deadly glare (Get it? Deadly? The Deadly Six? No? Ok.)

"Miss Rose, this is the UMPTEENTH time your phone has went off in my class! Now you must get punished!" Zavok growled, dragging Amy by the wrist to the 'Chair Of Shame'.

The Chair of Shame was just a regular chair, but the class got to throw whatever they wanted at the person who sat in it. But due to the class being full of retards, the majority of the class threw money at the person.

"Now you just sit there, and think about your life that sucks!" Zavok shouted at her. "And the rest of you better start throwing things at her, or I'll skin you with a dull butter knife. UNDERSTAND?!"

The class immediately started to throw money at Amy, much to her pleasure.

"YAY! I mean, oh no, don't give me a one hundred dollar bill!" Amy said, trying to prevent herself from laughing.

Zavok continued to go up and down the rows to collect books until finally, he reached Sonic.

"Book. In my hand. NOW." Zavok said through gritted teeth, holding out his hand.

"Uh, I would love to give you the book, but I...I kind of...left it home." Sonic told him, chuckling nervously.

Zavok stared at him for a moment, then shrugged.

"Well duh! I already knew that a dumbass like you couldn't keep up with a book!" He said.

"Really? Then why did you give me that book if you knew that I would lose it?" Sonic asked him.

"Because dumbass, I wanted an excuse to beat you up today." Zavok said, slamming the chair that Amy was sitting in onto Sonic's body.

The faint sound of someone in a deep voice saying **FATALITY **could be heard.

"Well, that takes care of that. Class dismissed. Turn in you 45,000 word essay tomorrow or I'll gorge your eyeballs out with my meter stick!" Zavok informed the class.

"Do I have to do it?" Shadow asked.

"No, you still have your 'A' for the semester. But as for the rest of you! COMPLETE THE ESSAY OR ELSE! Ahem. Class dismissed."

**I wish my teacher would act like that when I go back to school :P**


	4. You Call Yourself A Villain!

**My step-dad got me Tails Doll for my birthday. Thanks a lot for the curse, bastard. **

**Chapter 4: You call yourself a villain?!**

"Everyone, I have a surprise!" Zavok announced to his class.

The class groaned. Some even started to sob and cry.

"You aren't going to make us eat gum from underneath the desks again, are you?" Silver groaned.

"It was on my agenda, but I have something else in mind. Everyone, please join me in booing, Dr. Eggman!" Zavok said, as Eggman dropped from the sky and plopped down into a desk beside Sonic.

"Just my damn luck." Sonic muttered, putting his head down.

The class started to boo loudly at Eggman.

"Awww, all of you can go to hell! I was in broadway!" Eggman said, crossing his arms.

"Ok, now that that's out of the way, let's start our lesson! First of all, can anyone tell me the definition of a 'Failed Villian'?" Zavok asked, writing it on the chalkboard.

Shadow raised his hand.

"Yes, Shadow? Do you have a definition?"

"Eggman?"

"Correct! Eggman is a perfect example of a Failed Villian! Just think about it! 23 years and he hasn't been able to kill Sonic yet. What a joke." Zavok scoffed.

"You're a joke, you infected diaper rash!" Eggman shot back.

Everyone in the class gasped at his outburst. He was in for it now.

Surprisingly, Zavok remained calm to the insult.

"Hm. So I'm the joke?...Tell me, out of the two, which one is your favorite color? Red or blue?" He asked Eggman.

"Red, but it looks hideous on you!" Eggman laughed.

Zavok simply walked over to his desk and pushed a red button labeled, 'Release The Hounds'.

Thousands of blood-thirsty, blood hounds jumped on Eggman, making him their new chew toy.

"I-I didn't die in this chapter? I DIDN'T DIE IN THIS CHAPTER!" Sonic cheered.

"Uh, question? What did the blue button do?" Knuckles asked.

Zavok pushed the blue button, which made Sonic explode into a million 1-UP mushrooms.

"Ohh. So _that's _what it does."


	5. The Substitute

**Chapter 5: The substitute**

"Okay class, I have to step out for a while to go to a faculty and staff conference. In my absence, you will have a substitute." Zavok told his students.

The entire class started to groan.

"Why can't you just trust us to be on our best behaviors when you're gone?" Silver asked.

"Ha ha ha ha ha. **NO**. I don't even trust any of you to wipe your own asses, let alone stay in a classroom by yourselves. Anyways, the substitute should be here in a few. Be nice to the him, or I'll deep fry your arteries." Zavok threatened, walking out of the classroom.

Tails turned around in his desk to face Sonic. "So, who do you think it'll be?" He asked.

"As long as it's not Bean again, I don't care." Sonic said, shuddering from the thought.

The classroom door opened, and in walked a plump-looking man with short brown hair and glasses. Everyone gasped.

"B-but eet can't be! You vere fired!" Antoine stuttered.

Ken Penders walked over to Antoine and slapped his mouth off of his face.

"Shut your damn mouth! As long as I'm in this class, I'm in control! Understand?!" He snarled.

Antoine and the rest of the class quickly nodded.

"Good. Now, I'm going to make a few changes, starting with YOU." Penders said, pointing at Knuckles.

"ME?! SERIOUSLY?! HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH?! FIRST YOU WIPE OUT MY KIND, THEN YOU TOOK AWAY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC, WHAT THE HELL IS AN ECHID'NYA? ARE YOU _TRYING _TO GET YOURSELF A LAWSUIT?!" Knuckles screamed.

"Whoa, calm down, Knux." Sonic said, comforting his friend.

"I CAN'T KEEP CALM! NOT WHEN THERE IS A WHINY, BITCHY, ARROGANT, OVER-WEIGHT MAN-CHILD THAT PRACTICALLY THINKS THAT HE OWNS THE ENTIRE ARCHIE COMPANY!" Knuckles shouted.

"YEAH!" The rest of the class agreed.

"Now just wait a minute! I am NOT overweight! My doctor said that I am just the right weight for my size!" Penders said, defending himself.

"Oh, please. You renamed food to 'fooed' just so your fatass could own it." Shadow said.

Everyone in the class started to howl with laughter.

"STOP THAT! STOP LAUGHING! I CREATED A FAMOUS MASCOT!" Penders yelled above all of the laughing.

"Yeah, no. You made a re-color of a famous mascot. I'm surprised SEGA didn't sue you for me." Scourge said, crossing his arms.

"Let's hear it for Pen Kenders! The arrogant man-child that thinks everything in the world belongs to him!" Sonic said.

"HIP, HIP!" Everyone cheered.

"You guys are DICKS!" Penders said, running out of the classroom crying.

"Wow. We were a little harsh on him." Silver said.

"Silver, for God's sake, did you see that redesign he did of Lara-Su? That's the definition of 'Harsh'." Sonic told him.

Zavok appeared in the class soon after.

"WHO HAS UPSET THE SUBSTITUTE?" He growled, clenching his fists.

"SONIC!" Everyone said, running out of the class, leaving Sonic alone.

"What?! I didn't even say anything today!" Sonic groaned.

"Well, well, well. Looks like someone wants to watch season 1 of Bob's Burgers." Zavok said, tying Sonic to his chair and turning on the display board.

"WHAT?! NO, WHAT HAPPENED TO RABBIDS?!" Sonic asked, surprised.

"Eh, you started to like that, so I decided to try something new. Enjoy." Zavok said, walking out of the class and laughing evilly.

"Man, that Penders is one mean son of a bitch." Sonic said, sighing.


	6. Chapter 6

"Ok class, I have your report cards. I hope the majority of you are pleased with your results." Zavok said, grabbing the report cards off of his desk. "When I call your name, please come up to the front to receive it. Amy Rose."

Amy walked up to get her card.

"YES! ONLY 3 MORE YEARS OF 9th GRADE, BABY!" She exclaimed, doing a dance that was a mixture of twerking and doing a split.

"Miss Rose. Sit. Your ass. DOWN." Zavok demanded, adjusting his glasses.

Amy squealed once more before running back to her seat.

"Shadow Hedgehog." Zavok called.

Shadow had specifically asked Zavok to change his name from Shadow The Hedgehog to just Shadow Hedgehog, due to people thinking that him, Silver, and Sonic were related.

Shadow got up to claim his report card.

"Huh. All A's. What a surprise." He said sarcastically, walking back ro his desk.

"Silver The Hedgehog."

Silver nervously walked up to Zavok to get his report card.

"Straight C's? I can't show my master this!" Silver complained.

"Well, I guess you can always show him straight F's, if that is what you wish." Zavok said, raising an eyebrow at him.

Silver sighed and began walking back to his desk.

Pretty soon, everyone had gotten their report cards, excluding SEGA's Mascot.

"Mr. Zavok? I didn't get my report card yet." Sonic told him.

"You failed. End of Story, end of discussion." Shadow sneered.

"Shut up, you hyper sensitive arse!" Sonic shouted at him.

"No, he's right. You're failing. Big time." Zavok said.

"What?! How am I failing?! If Shadow has straight A's, then I know damn well I should too!" Sonic said, defending himself.

"You have 4 F's. Do you want to see them?" Zavok asked, opening his desk drawers.

"Yes, I would. I have been making straight A's in this class!"

Zavok pulled out 4 red giant concrete F's from beneath his desk and began chucking them at Sonic.

The rest of the class got out of the way, while Sonic was not so lucky and got crushed with all of them.

"Now see? You failed 9th grade. Try again next year, I guess." Zavok told Sonic, shaking his head in disapproval.

"Um, is class over yet?" Silver asked, as the other wondered too.

"Class isn't over until the bell comes, dammit!" Zavok yelled.

Just then, a Taco Bell worker walked into the classroom with enchiladas.

"Your order, sir. That'll be $7.38." The worker told Zavok.

"Bull-Shit! Get out of here or I'll grill both your large and small intestines!" Zavok threatened, snatching the bag from the worker, who ran off.

"Ok, there was the bell. Class dismissed." Zavok said with a mouthful of mexican food.


	7. Cthulhu Is Not In This Chapter!

**How's it goin', bros? Yeah, I got it from Pewdiepie. SUE ME. **

"Okay class, today we're going to learn a little multiplication." Zavok told his class. "First, we'll start off easy. What is 5 x 2?"

No one in the classroom raised their hands.

"Come on, children. Don't be shy. I won't hurt you." Zavok assured them.

Tails' hand went up slowly.

"Yes, Tails?"

"Uh...twelve?" Tails answered.

"...Ok, now let's get an answer from someone who isn't a complete retard." Zavok said, glaring at Tails, who started to piss himself.

"I think I know the answer, Mr. Zavok." Shadow said, raising his hand.

"meh- meh- meh- meh- meh- meh- meh." Sonic mocked him.

"Shut up, _Maurice_ !"

"DON'T CALL ME MAURICE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Sonic yelled.

"SONIC! Did you just say the 'S' word?!" Zavok asked angrily.

"Piece?"

"No, he's talking about shit. You can't say shit in class, you gigantic piece of shit!" Shadow told him.

"SHADOW!" Zavok warned.

"That's bull-shit!"

"SONIC!"

"Dude, you just said shit again!" Silver chimed in.

"SILVER!"

"Shit."

"EGGMAN!"

"What's the big deal? It's my mouth! SHIT SHITTY SHIT!" Sonic cussed.

"How would you like to go to the principal's office?!"

"And how would you like to suck my blue balls?"

Everyone in the class gasped at what Sonic had just said.

"WHAT?! DID?! YOU?! SAY?!" Zavok growled, seething with anger.

"I'm sorry, what I meant to say was, ahem, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BLUE BALLS, ZAVOK?!" Sonic yelled into a megaphone.

Everyone in the class nearly passed out.

"Holy shit, dude." Silver said, shaking his head.

Zavok took out his phone to call the school principal, who happened to be cthulu.

"Mr. Cthulu, we have a code red here, I repeat, we have a code red here." Zavok said.

Soon, the classroom started to shake, and tentacles came from beneath the ground, grabbing Sonic.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Sonic yelled as he got dragged by the school principal to a dark oblivion.

The class stared in horror as they witnessed this, while Zavok thought the entire thing was hilarious.

"And I didn't even have to move a muscle!" He said, leaning back in his chair, laughing.


	8. Zavok is nice?

Sonic and his friends were all in class, awaiting the arrival of Mr. Zavok.

"Aw crap, Mr. Zavok is late! He's gonna take it out on me for sure!" Sonic said, getting a realistic hand and chewing the fingernails off of it rapidly.

"Calm down, Sonic! Maybe he'll hit someone else today!" Tails told him.

"Oh, yeah, in a story titled, "Sonic the Hedgehog Gets Detention", someone ELSE is going to get punished." Sonic said sarcastically.

Mr. Zavok walked into the class with a cheerful look and a smile on his face. Everyone dropped their jaws in dismay.

"M-Mr. Zavok? Are you feeling ok?" Amy asked, a bit creeped out.

Mr. Zavok skipped over to water a flower, and then returned back to his desk.

"Hello, class! Isn't today a GORGEOUS day?" He asked the class.

The entire class was scared out of their souls. They'd never seen Mr. Zavok so…optimistic.

"Yes, Silver?"

"Are you on crack?"

Mr. Zavok let out a guffaw. "Noooo, my child!"

"Are you in love?" Knuckles asked.

"Why, yes! I am in love! With this beautiful thing we call, LIFE!"

"That's it. He's lost it. I'm outta here." Shadow said, walking out of the classroom.

"Hehe! Goodbye friend!" Zavok said cheerfully. "Anyways, I have an end-of-course assignment for you all today! But before we get into that, Sonic, can you come to my desk for a minute?"

Sonic gulped, and slowly got out of his desk. He walked over to where Mr. Zavok was sitting.

"Yes?"

"Since you're my favorite student, I want you to have this. Got them delivered all the way from _Southern_ _Sarvonia_" Zavok said, giving Sonic a bouquet of black roses.

"Gee, thanks Mr. Zavok!" Sonic said, going back to his seat.

"Wow, Sonic! They look beautiful!" Amy complimented.

"Duh, yeah! I wouldn't mind takin' one of those back home to my froggy!" Big added.

Sonic brought the flowers to his nose and sniffed them. "…Huh. No scent."

"Oh yeah. One teensy tiny detail." Mr. Zavok said, "You're not supposed to sniff them."

"Wha-" Sonic said, his face falling flat on his desk.

"Hm. So it turns out, black roses are poisonous…oh well. Class dismissed." Mr. Zavok said as he dragged Sonic to the wastebasket.

"Are you going to be nice tomorrow?" Silver asked.

"Was I nice today?" Zavok asked, smirking.

"Touché."


End file.
